LETTER 473: MR BELFORD TO ROBERT LOVELACE, ESQ.

Mr. Belford . In Continuation.

Soho, Six o’clock, Sept. 7.

The Lady is still alive. The Colonel having just sent his servant to let me know, that she inquired after me about an hour ago, I am dressing to attend her. Joel begs of me to dispatch him back, tho’ but with one line to gratify your present impatience. He expects, he says, to find you at Knightsbridge, let him make what haste he can back; and if he has not a line or  two to pacify you, he is afraid you will pistol him; for he apprehends that you are hardly yourself. I therefore dispatch this; and will have another ready as soon as I can, with particulars. But you must have a little patience; for how can I withdraw every half hour to write, if I am admitted to the Lady’s presence, or if I am with the Colonel?

Smith’s, 8 o’clock in the morning.

 

 

The Lady is in a slumber. Mrs. Lovick, who sat up with her, says, she had a better night than was expected; for altho’ she slept little, she seemed easy; and the easier for the pious frame she was in; all her waking moments being taken up in devotion, or in an ejaculatory silence; her hands and eyes often lifted up, and her lips moving with a fervor worthy of these her last hours.

Ten o’clock.

 

 

The Colonel being earnest to see his cousin as soon as she awaked, we were both admitted. We observed in her, as soon as we entered, strong symptoms of her approaching dissolution, notwithstanding what the women had flattered us with, from her last night’s tranquility. The Colonel and I, each loth to say what we thought, looked upon one another with melancholy countenances.

 

 

The Colonel told her, He should send a servant to her uncle Antony’s, for some papers he had left there; and asked, If she had any commands that way? —She thought not, she said, speaking more inwardly than she did the day before. She had indeed a letter ready to be sent to her good Mrs. Norton; and there was a request intimated in it. But it was time enough, if it were signified to those whom it concerned, when all was over. However, it might be sent then by the servant who was going that way. And she caused it to be given to the Colonel for that purpose.

 

 

Her breath being very short, she desired another pillow; and having two before, this made her in a manner fit up in her bed; and she spoke then with more distinctness; and, seeing us greatly concerned, forgot her own sufferings to comfort us; and a charming lecture she gave us, tho’ a brief one, upon the happiness of a timely prepatation, and upon the hazards of a late repentance, when the mind, as she observed, was so much weakened, as  well as the body, as to render a poor soul unable to contend with its own infirmities.

 

 

I beseech ye, my good friends, proceeded she, mourn not for one who mourns not, nor has cause to mourn, for herself. One the contrary, rejoice with me, that all my worldly troubles are so near their end. Believe me, Sirs, that I would not, if I might, choose to live, altho’ the pleasantest part of my life were to come over again: And yet Eighteen years of it, out of Nineteen, have been very pleasant. To be so much exposed to temptation, and to be so liable to fail in the trial, who would not rejoice, that all her dangers are over! —All I wished was pardon and blessing from my dear parents. Easy as my departure seems to promise to be, it would have been still easier, had I had that pleasure. But God Almighty would not let me depend for comfort upon any but Himself.

 

 

She then repeated her request, in the most earnest manner, to her cousin, that he would not heighten her fault, by seeking to avenge her death; to me, that I would endeavour to make up all breaches, and use the power I had with my friend, to prevent all future mischiefs from him, as well as that which this trust might give me, to prevent any to him.

 

 

She made some excuses to her cousin, for having not been able to alter her will, to join him in the executorship with me; and to me, for the trouble she had given and yet should give me.

 

 

She had fatigued herself so much (growing sensibly weaker) that the sunk her head upon her pillows, ready to faint; and we withdrew to the window, looking upon one another; but could not tell what to say; and yet both seemed inclinable to speak: But the motion passed over in silence. Our eyes only spoke; and that in a manner neither’s were used to; mine, at least, not till I knew this admirable creature.

 

 

The Colonel withdrew to dismiss his messenger, and send away the letter to Mrs. Norton. I took the opportunity to retire likewise; and to write thus far. And Joel returning, to take it; I now close here.

Eleven o’Clock.

 

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