LETTER 175: MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ

Tuesday, May 9. 

I am a very unhappy fellow. This lady is said to to be one of the sweetest-temper’d creatures in the world: And so I thought her. But to me, she is one of the most perverse. I never was supposed to be an ill-natur’d puppy neither. How can it be? I imagin’d for a long while, that we were born to make each other happy: But, quite the contrary; we really seem to be sent to plague one another.

I will write a Comedy, I think. I have a title ready; and that’s half the work. The Quarrelsome Lovers . ‘Twill do. There’s something new and striking in it. Yet, more or less, all lovers quarrel. Old Terence has taken notice of that; and observes upon it, That lovers falling-out occasions lovers falling-in; and a better understanding of course. ‘Tis natural that it should be so. But with us, we fall-out so often, without falling in once; and a second quarrel so generally happens before a first is made up; that it is hard to guess what event our loves will be attended with. But Shakespeare says;


—Came what come may,
Patience and time run thro’ the roughest day. 

And that shall be my comfort. No man living bears crosses better than myself: But then they must be of my own making: And even This is a great merit, and a great excellence, think what thou wilt: Since most of the troubles, which fall to the lot of mortals, are brought upon themselves, either by their too large desires, or too little deserts. But I shall make myself a common man by-and-by: Which is what no one yet ever thought me. I will now lead to the occasion of this preamble.

 

I had been out. On my return, meeting Dorcas on the stairs—Your lady in her chamber, Dorcas? In he dining-room, Sir: And if ever you hope for an opportunity to come at a letter, it must be now. For at her feet I saw one lie, which, by its open’d folds, she has been reading, with a little parcel of others she is now busied with. All pulled out of her pocket, as I believe: So, Sir, you’ll know where to find them another time.

 

I was ready to leap for joy, and instantly resolved to bring forward an expedient which I had held in petto; and entering into the dining-room, with an air of transport, I boldly clasped my arms about her, as she sat (she huddling up her papers in her handkerchief all the time, the dropt paper unseen): O my dearest life, a lucky expedient have Mr. Mennell and I hit upon, just now. In order to hasten Mrs. Fretchville to quit the house, I have agreed, if you approve of it, to entertain her cook, her housemaid, and two men-servants (about whom she was very solicitous), till you are provided to your mind. And that no accommodations may be wanted, I have consented to take the houshold linen at an appraisement.

 

I am to pay down 500 l. and the remainder as soon as the bills can be look’d up, and the amount of them adjusted. Thus will you have a charming house intirely ready to receive you, and any of my friends. They will soon be with you: They will not permit you long to suspend my happy day. —And that nothing may be wanting to gratify your utmost punctilio, I will till then consent to stay here at Mrs. Sinclair’s, while you reside at your new house; and leave the rest to your own generosity.

 

O my beloved creature, will not this be agreeable to you? I am sure it will—It must—And clasping her closer to me, I gave her a more fervent kiss than ever I had dared to give her before: But still let not my ardor overcome my discretion; for I took care to set my foot upon the letter, and scraped it farther from her, as it were behind her chair.

 

She was in a passion at the liberty I took. Bowing low, I begg’d her pardon; and, stooping still lower, in the same motion, took it up, and whipt it in my bosom.

 

Pox on me, for a puppy, a fool, a blockhead, a clumsy varlet, and a mere Jack Belford! —I thought myself a much cleverer fellow than I am! —Why could I not have been followed in by Dorcas; who might have taken it up, while I addressed her lady?

 

For here, the letter being unfolded, I could not put it into my bosom, without alarming her ears, as my sudden motion did her eyes. —Up she flew in a moment: Traitor! Judas! her eyes flashing lightning, and a perturbation in her eager countenance, so charming! —What have you taken up? —And then, what for both my ears I durst not to have done to her, she made no scruple to seize the stolen letter, tho’ in my bosom.

 

Beg-pardon apologies were all that now remained for me, on so palpable a detection. I clasped her hand, which had hold of the ravish’d paper, between mine: O my beloved creature! can you think I have not some curiosity? Is it possible you can be thus for ever employed; and I, loving narrative letter-writing above every other species of writing, and admiring your talent that way, should not (thus upon the dawn of my happiness, as I presume to hope) burn with a desire to be admitted into so sweet a correspondence.

 

Let go my hand!—stamping with her pretty foot: How dare you, Sir! —At this rate, I see—Too plainly I see—And more she could not say: But, gasping, was ready to faint, with passion and affright; the devil a bit of her accustomed gentleness to be seen in her charming face, or to be heard in her musical voice.

 

Having gone thus far, loth, very loth was I to lose my prize—Once more, I got hold of the rumpled-up letter! —Impudent man! were her words: Stamping again: For God’s sake, then it was! —I let go my prize, lest she should faint away: But had the pleasure first to find my hand within both hers, she trying to open my reluctant fingers. How near was my heart, at that moment, to my hand, throbbing to my fingers ends, to be thus familiarly, altho’ angrily, treated by the charmer of my soul!

 

When she had got it in her possession, she flew to the door: I threw myself in her way, shut it, and, in the humblest manner, besought her to forgive me: And yet do you think the Harlowe-hearted charmer would; notwithstanding the agreeable annunciation I came in with? —No, truly! but pushing me rudely from the door, as if I had been nothing (yet do I love to try, so innocently to try, her strength too!); she gaining that force through passion, which I had lost through fear; and out she shot to her own apartment [Thank my stars she could fly no further!]; and as soon as she enter’d it, in a passion still, she double-locked and double-bolted herself in. —This my comfort, on reflection, that, upon a greater offence, it cannot be worse!

 

I retreated to my own apartment, with my heart full. And, my man Will. not being near me, gave myself a plaguy knock on the forehead, with my double fist.

 

And now is my charmer shut up from me: Refusing to see me; refusing her meals: Resolves not to see me, that’s more;—Never again, if she can help it.

 

In the mind she is in —I hope she has said. The dear creatures, whenever they quarrel with their humble servants, should always remember this saving clause, that they may not be forsworn .

 

But thinkest thou that I will not make it the subject of one of my first plots, to inform myself of the reason why all this commotion was necessary on so slight an occasion, as this would have been, were not the letters that pass between these ladies of a treasonable nature?

 

 

Wednesday Morning. 

No admission to breakfast, any more than to supper. I wish this lady is not a simpleton, after all. —I have sent up in Capt. Mennell’s name. A message from Capt. Mennell, Madam.

 

It won’t do! —She is of a baby age: She cannot be—a Solomon, I was going to say, in every thing. Solomon, Jack, was the wisest man: —But didst ever hear who was the wisest woman? —I want a comparison for this lady: Cunning women and witches, we read of without number. But I fancy wisdom never entered into the character of a woman. It is not a requisite of the Sex. Women, indeed, make better sovereigns than men: But why is that? —Because the women sovereigns are governed by men; the men sovereigns by women: —Charming by my soul! For hence we guess at the rudder by which both are governed. Yet, sorry puppy as thou art, thou makest light of me for my attachment to this Sex; and even of my ardors to the most excellent one of it!—

But to put wisdom out of the question, and to take running in: That is to say, To consider woman as a woman; what shall we do, if this lady has something extraordinary in her head? —Repeated charges has she given for Wilson, by a particular messenger, to send any letter directed for her, the moment it comes.

 

I must keep a good look-out. She is not now afraid of her brother’s plot. I shan’t be at all surprized, if Singleton calls upon Miss Howe, as the only person who knows, or is likely to know, where Miss Harlowe is; pretending to have affairs of importance, and of particular service to her, if he can but be admitted to her speech. Of compromise, who knows, from her brother?

 

Then will Miss Howe warn her to keep close; then will my protection be again necessary. This will do, I believe. Any thing from Miss Howe must.

 

Joseph Leman is a vile fellow with her, and my implement. Joseph, honest Joseph, as I call him, may hang himself. I have play’d him off enough, and have very little further use for him. No need to wear one plot to the stumps, when I can find new ones every hour.

 

Nor blame me for the use I make of my talents. Who, that had such, would let ’em be idle?

 

Well then, I will find a Singleton; that’s all I have to do.

 

Instantly find one! —Will.—

Sir—

 

This moment call me hither thy cousin Paul Wheatly, just come from sea, whom thou wert recommending to my service, if I were to marry and keep a pleasure-boat.

 

Presto—Will.’s gone! —Paul will be here presently! —Presently will he be gone to Mrs. Howe’s. —If Paul be Singleton’s mate, coming from his captain, it will do as well as if it were Singleton himself.

Sally, a little devil, often reproaches me with the slowness of my proceedings. But in a play, does not the principal entertainment lie in the first four acts? Is not all in a manner over, when you come to the fifth? And what a vultur of a man must he be, who sowses upon his prey, and in the same moment trusses and devours?

 

But to own the truth, I have overplotted myself. To make my work secure, as I thought, I have frighted the dear creature with my four Hottentots, and I shall be a long time, I doubt, before I can recover my lost ground. And then these cursed folks at Harlowe-Place have made her out of humour with me, with herself, and with all the world, but Miss Howe, who, no doubt, is continually adding difficulties to my other difficulties. And then I am very unwilling to have recourse to measures which these dæmons below are continually urging me to take. And the rather, as I am sure, that, at last, she must be legally mine. One complete trial over, and I think I will do her noble justice.

 

 

Well, Paul’s gone! —Gone already! —Has all his lessons! —A notable fellow! —Lord W.’s necessary man was Paul before he went to sea. A more sensible rogue Paul than Joseph! —Not such a pretender to piety neither, as the other. At what a price have I bought that Joseph! —I had two to buy, in him— His conscience, as well as the man. —I believe I must punish the rascal at last: But must let him marry first: Then (tho’ that may be punishment enough), as I bribed two at once in one man, I shall punish two at once in the man and his wife. —And how richly does Betty deserve it for her behaviour to my goddess?

 

But now I hear the rusty hinges of my Beloved’s door give me creaking invitation. My heart creaks and throbs with respondent trepidations: Whimsical

enough tho’! For what relation has a lover’s heart to a rusty pair of hinges? —But they are the hinges that open and shut the door of my Beloved’s bed-chamber! —Relation enough in that!

 

I hear not the door shut again. I shall have her commands I hope anon. —What signifies her keeping me thus at a distance? —She must be mine, let me do or offer what I will. Courage whenever I assume, all is over: For should she think of escaping from hence, whither can she fly to avoid me? Her parents will not receive her: Her uncles will not entertain her: Her beloved Norton is in their direction, and cannot: Miss Howe dare not: She has not one friend in town but me: Is intirely a stranger to the town. And what then is the matter with me, that I should be thus unaccountably over-awed and tyrannized over, by a dear creature, who wants only to know how impossible it is that she should escape me, in order to be as humble to me, as she is to her persecuting relations?

 

Should I even make the grand attempt, and fail, and should she hate me for it, her hatred can be but temporary. She has already incurred the censure of the world. She must therefore choose to be mine, for the sake of soldering up her reputation in the eye of that impudent world. For, who that knows me, and knows that she has been in my power, tho’ but for twenty-four hours, will think her spotless as to fact, let her inclination be what it will? —And then human nature is such a well-known rogue, that every man and woman judges by what each knows of themselves, that inclination is no more to be trusted, where an opportunity is given, than I am; especially where a woman young and blooming loves a man well enough to go off with him; for such will be the world’s construction in the present case.

 

She calls her maid Dorcas. No doubt, that I may hear her harmonious voice, and to give me an opportunity to pour out my soul at her feet; to renew all my vows; and to receive her pardon for the past offence: And then, with what pleasure shall I begin upon a new score; and afterwards wipe out that; and begin another, and another; till the last offence passes; and there can be no other. And once, after that, to be forgiven, will be to be forgiven for ever.

 

 

The door is again shut. Dorcas tells me, that she denies to admit me to dine with her, as I had ordered her to request for me next time she saw her. Not uncivilly, however, denies. Coming to by degrees! Nothing but the last offence, the honest wench tells me, in the language of her principals below, will do with her. The last offence is meditating. Yet this vile recreant heart of mine plays me booty. —But here I conclude; tho’ the tyranness leaves me nothing to do, but read, write, and fret.

 

Subscription is formal between us. Besides, I am so totally hers, that I cannot say, how much I am thine, or any other person’s.

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